Vindicated

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  ~Jeremiah 29:11~

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I couldn't take it any longer.

Decisions were made, and I struggled, wanting to live according to God's word but feeling trapped.  Feelings of being judged for every choice made in my home were inescapable. Eventually, the sensation of a noose tightening around my neck became unbearable and I could only choke out the words, "Jesus, please ..."

During this time, I was also tunneling through my Bible, digging for gold. I needed a lifeline. And I knew this was where all truth could be found. People would tease as I copied Scripture into a journal, "You don't have to rewrite the Bible, it's all been done." But it was the only way the words would stick to my bones, it was something tangible I could do in the moment to hold to my peace. It kept me from blaming others for the distress I felt. 

I would come across words that would penetrate my crashing world with light and hope. These are the nuggets I mined for.

Any time I tried to share what was going on in my heart, well-intentioned, godly people, would stop me and say, "Come back to the Lord," as though they couldn't hear the words, "He's my only hope right now ... it's as though I am at the bottom of the ocean and He is my oxygen."

So I quit sharing and turned fully into my closet where I could at least breathe.

Have you been there? 

One decision, or a series of them, whether to show respect and deference to one we love--a parent, spouse, teacher, boss, or ... (fill in your blank) and the world we knew, our plans and hopes fade into the distance as we head down a different path.

The new path wasn't what I wanted or would've ever chosen. But there I was. Frustrated. Disillusioned. Isolated. Condemned, because I allowed myself to be led in a direction opposing all that I believed and hoped for.

Then I opened my Bible and realized something.

Joseph had dreams. He told his family. One day they would bow before him. A king?

I don't think he ever counted on being thrown into a pit, sold to Ishmaelites--by his brothers!--sold again into slavery in Egypt, accused of rape, thrown into prison, forgotten ... and then one day, be placed in royal robes and named second only to Pharoah in all the land of Egypt. 

But he was.

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I doubt Sarah wanted to be sent to the king's palace under cover to protect the life of her husband. Not once. TWICE. Abraham feared for his life and told her to tell everyone she was his sister and not his wife--to protect himself. She obeyed. The second time this happened, the King Abimelech was visited in a dream by the LORD who told him, "Behold, you are a dead man because of the woman whom you have taken, for she is a man's wife" (Genesis 20:3).

Abimelech's response? "Lord, will you kill an innocent people? Did he not himself say to me, 'She is my sister?' and she herself say to me, 'He is my brother.' In the integrity of my heart and the innocence of my hands I have done this" (Genesis 20:4 - 5).

The LORD affirmed that Abimelech acted in good faith, and lets him know that it was HE who kept Abimelech from defiling Sarah. Abimelech then confronted Abraham to determine why he would lie. After recompense was made and Sarah returned to Abraham, Abimelech did something I loved and can see the LORD doing for his beloved.

"To Sarah he said, 'Behold, I have given your brother a thousand pieces of silver. It is a sign of your innocence in the eyes of all who are with you, and before everyone you are vindicated" (Genesis 20:16).

The first time I read those words, I cried out to the LORD, "Would you do for me as you did for her?"

Whether our situations are borne of our choices or someone else's, we can rejoice in the hope that one day we will say as Joseph did to his brothers, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today" (Genesis 50:20).

We don't have to accept the burden of condemnation when in the shelter of God's grace. As Paul says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). This promise doesn't mean all things are good. But as Joseph said, God will work good out of all things.

So, count it all joy, my friends. "for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing" (James 1:2 - 3). 

Rest in His gracious arms. Trust His plans for you. The road may be littered with potholes and ruts, but the end is unimaginably beautiful. 

Until next time 💜 Karlene J 💜

It's Time to Dream Again

 Nothing was as I'd hoped. Or dreamed. My plans had not only gone sideways, they had jumped ship and swam to a forbidden shore far off in the distance. There was no redemption in sight.

I had choices to make, and I was making the wrong ones. And each course correction lead me down a darker, more disappointing path. It was worse than a dream sequence in one of the children's films that were on a continuous loop in my home.

To make it an even brighter day, I was a follower of Christ, believing that the way my family appeared in the public eye was a direct reflection on the quality of parent and spouse that I was. And I was a failure.

My home was always in disarray. I couldn't measure up as a mom when I saw the amazing things my acquaintances did with their children. My marriage left a lot to imagination.

I was a broken vessel and all my ugly seeped through the cracks, and (in my mind) spread poisonous vapors everywhere I went. (Imagine Pig Pen in Charlie Brown.)

It became easy to believe people would rather I keep a safe distance. So arms length often was too close. But I also longed for close connection, which I was forfeiting as I sought to protect everyone from my uncleanness while also protecting my already shattered heart. I saw others through a house of mirrors type lens. The problem was, your mirror was shaping you into perfection while mine shaped me into anything but ...

This began to seep into my relationship with Christ, and I cried out to Him for help. It was a weak, whimper soaked in tears. But to Him, it was as though I'd sounded the air raid sirens. And He spoke to my heart:

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit," (Psalm 34:18 ESV).

As time moved forward, I would lay my complaints at His feet, letting Him know how disappointed I was. At one point, I was reminded of another conversation I'd had with Him.

It was 2008 and my church had a guest speaker who was talking of how he was blessed because growing up he loved to watch Tarzan (TV show) and dreamed that one day he would be Tarzan. And at the time of his speaking, he and his wife were missionaries in the Amazon Rain Forest. He was living out his dream, he said. I'd heard similar stories from other people. And I began to complain about why am I not experiencing this? Why do YOU GOD love them more than me? What's wrong with me? And one day, I heard the gentle reply, "When will you quit complaining and begin doing something?"

What I didn't realize until that moment was that in our complaint, we block what God is doing. We in effect walk in disbelief and stomp around like rebellious little children not getting our own way. We are telling God, "I know what is good for me. Why don't you?"

I stopped and asked for a way to begin. I wanted mentors and a way to grow and hone my skill as a writer. Ready to pay any price, I searched for a course in writing. One site linked me to another where I found mentors, friends--family. And I began my journey. And my passion for the power of words grew.

As I share this, I realize that you may be thinking"What does this have to do with my situation?"

I've learned over the years that whenever the Lord is teaching me something, it is never for me alone. Scripture tells us that there is nothing I experience that is uncommon to mankind (1 Corinthians 10: 13 paraphrased).

What is it that you have shelved, thinking it's too late?

Have you ever wished you could go "back" and have a do-over?

Just as Job's losses were restored double, God will restore our losses, whether it's time, relationships, confidence ... and yes, even monetary provision such as home and finances.

Abraham and Sarah waited over 25 years to realize the dream of parenting a child--Isaac. This came in a time when it was impossible in man's perspective. They were beyond the age of childbearing. But with God ALL THINGS are possible.

So let's not tie God's hands. Let's surrender our hopes and dreams to His capable and perfect will. Tell Him you're still hoping for that dream to see the light of day.

And take Him at His word. 

Until next time ... 💜 Karlene J