Imposter Syndrome

He sat across the table from me, listening. Waiting. By his demeanor, it appeared he was interested in hearing about my experiences as a student and then graduate nurse.

I paused.

Elegant Masquerade

"You have imposter syndrome."

Of course, I wasn't an imposter. By its very definition, pretending to be something you're not to deceive others was not what I was doing. But on the same token, his simple, 4-word statement made me pause and reflect. He went on to explain his point of view and described the emotional upheaval I had endured throughout the nightmarish years of nursing school and getting my footing as a graduate nurse. 

As if on cue, the words "Who do you think you are?" swirled about between my ears.

This question had imprinted itself on the fabric of my mind for years, emblazened by critical remarks by people I respected and loved. I knew I would never amount to a nickel's worth of value. And so did everyone around me. So I invented and reinvented myself. I let dreams go and clung to what must get me through.

At one point, knowing I needed to work to pay bills, I pushed myself to find a job. So I walked to a popular store down the road from my home and applied. During the interview, the question, "Why do you want to work for us?"

"Because, I'm a student, and want a job where I don't have to think," tumbled off my tongue before I could think it through. But they offered me a position. And a few days later, I was introduced to my coworkers, "This is Anna."

As previously stated, I tried to reinvent myself. Taking a variation of my middle name would help, right?

For nearly 2 years, I remained hidden behind a different name. But friends on the other side of the screen would tell me, "You'll always be Karls to me. It feels like reaching across the miles with a warm hug."

I forced my mind to return to the room where my friend and I were talking. He was right. I have always felt like an imposter. Always afraid someone would call me out on it and I would be condemned to oblivion. This fear always kept me in the shadows, on the sidelines, fighting back anxiety attacks whenever walking into a room full of people alone.

But I have a secret. It's something I get to share with you.

We have a Savior who is God's Son, the Word of Life, who knows all there is to know about us. Not one word said to or about us has escaped His attention. And He is our vindicator. He is our shield and our banner. It is He whom all will give answer to regarding every careless or hurtful word said regarding us. Psalm 139: 1-6 tells us:

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

You comprehend my path and my lying down,

and are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word on my tongue, 

But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

We can change our name. We can go into witness protection. We can hide out in our homes or change our address. There's no place we can go that He is not already there.

This is not to strike fear in our hearts, but rather comfort. He is our Father. Our good Father, who will avenge evil done against us.

He knows how to care for us, because Psalm 139: 13-16 tells us: 

For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

When I was made in the secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.

In Jeremiah, God told the young prophet "Before I formed you in your mother's womb I knew you; before. you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations," (Jeremiah 1: 5).

You and I may not have been ordained prophets, but we were formed by God in our mother's womb. He planned out each day. He knew what would cross our paths. He is not surprised by the heartache we face, or the triumphs we experience. I like to think this is why He goes before us and behind us, so that He's there when we arrive to comfort and cheer. And He's also there behind to make sure we don't become lost and so discouraged we give up.

The other day, I was thinking about this when I heard CeCe Winans' acceptance speech for artist of the year. We can win the accolades of people. We can be cancelled by the media giants. We can sit on thrones, or in dungeons. But God knows us by our relationship with Him.

God knows ...

Who we are in Christ matters more than who people think we are 💖💝.

I will leave you with her words. 

Until next time. Karlene J 💜💜