Legacy

In Him you also trusted, 
after you heard the word of truth,
the gospel of your salvation; 
in whom also, having believed,
you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise,
who is the guarantee of our inheritance 
until the redemption of the purchased possession,
to the praise of His glory.
~ Ephesians 1:13-14 ~

 I was 5 when I insisted on my parents allowing me to be baptized. When asked, "Why?" I told them it was because Jesus wanted me to. While I don't remember a lot about my childhood, I do remember wanting Jesus to love me, be proud of me, and be happy with me. In the end, my parents and our pastor agreed, there was no reason I shouldn't be baptized. I trusted Jesus, loved Him, and wanted Him in my life.

In the years following that event, life surrounding my family unraveled in ways no child should have to see. By the time I was 14 years old, I told God we should go our separate ways.  I tell people I'd divorced God. If my parents could get a divorce, why not God and I?

My heart was so broken, I searched for ways to repair it. Smoking, risky friendships, alcohol, sensual (pornographic) fiction ... things that would ease the pain, bring some pleasure, heal my inability to be acceptable. 

Nothing worked. My world continued to spiral. My conscience wouldn't let me cross certain boundaries. I was "boxed in" and no way of escape.

At 17, I moved in with my grandmother. A 4' 11" woman who'd go toe-to-toe with anyone if she needed to. She'd raised 3 girls from their teen years -- a widow. This woman could be heard long into the night, praying. She would name each member of her family and friend's circle, and call on God to work in their lives. And He listened to her.

Today, I am a product of this woman's faithfulness to prayer. She was tenacious. People who knew her either respected her or feared her. They would either seek her out for wise counsel or avoid her because of her honesty. To me, she was a mentor, confidante -- Grandma. (She's been in heaven for nearly 40 years, and I still miss her. But as someone said, I'm 38 years closer to seeing her again.)

Why tell you all of this?

When days filled with gray skies and rain penetrate my heart and soul's deepest places -- the places I try to hide from the world either out of shame, unbelief, fear of judgment, or wish to not be a burden to others, I lose sight of my prize.  I long to shrink back and hide out with the feelings of insecurity, invisibility, and fear of failure. The thorns in my side irritate and are felt more deeply. Those cuts caused by rejection, callous words, unloving remarks, and well-intentioned but misguided advice, begin to burn with the effects of inflammation and infection.

It's these days I need reminders of who--and whose--I am. 

There is a song we sing in church. Words to live by:

All my life You have been faithful.

All my life You have been so so good ...

With every breath that I am able,

O I will sing of the goodness of God ...

(CeCe Winans)

In the verse above, we are promised that Holy Spirit seals us by Himself, the guarantee of our salvation, our inheritance in Christ. If we believe and trust Him. Each day, I choose to trust. It doesn't happen magically, nor is trust automatic. It is a muscle that requires exercise to be strengthened. Grandma didn't get to enjoy the promises of God without some digging in of her own heels, saying, "I will NOT give in." She was widowed with three teenage girls to provide for. She had physical, financial, and emotional needs. She learned over time, that her God would be faithful to His promise to be her provider (Philippians 4:19). Her children, to this day, will ask one another, "What would Mom/Grandma say in this situation?"

Grandma was no greater than I. She was no better than you. She was (and still is) a daughter of the King of the Universe. 

She knew then, as I am learning today, that we will always have trouble knocking at the recesses of our hearts. Jesus told us so, with the promise of His trustworthiness (John 16:33).

And we can always sing of His goodness. Because He IS.